Below are a selection of jokes, one-liners etc.  They are not original, some people might even say they are not very funny, but they reflect part of my sense of humour.  Our regular customers are well aware of this twisted trait of mine and are used to groaning at the puns and word play that issue from behind the bar when I am serving.  So be warned, and read on if you wish !


Pat Davey

A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing at the bar.
The man says 'I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?' 
Vincent replies, 'No thanks I've got one ear.'

I'm watching my drinking, so now I only visit bars that have mirrors on the walls.

What do you call a woman who goes into a bar and starts to juggle with the drinks? Beatrix (beer tricks).

I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me:
"Is the bar tender here?"

A pie walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The bar owner replies and says, sorry we don't serve food.

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.
The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.  A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.'
The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and can't rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on for me.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner, 'but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night.'

A man walks into a bar and asks, 'Do you serve women in this bar?'
'No,' replies the barman, 'you have to bring your own.'

Who said beer won't make you smarter? It made Bud wiser!

A guy runs in a bar and he asks the barman for 24 shots of his finest whisky. When the barman has poured the shots the guy drinks them down as fast as possible. The barman says, "Wow, I've never seen anyone drink that fast before!" and the guy says "You would to if you had what I had" and the barman says "What is it you have?" And the guy says "25 pence" and runs out of the bar.

A horse goes into a bar, sits down and the barman asks him, "Why the long face?"

Then a second horse walks in with jump leads attached to it's head, he sits down, and the barman says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't you go and try to start anything!"

A duck walks into bar,
Duck: got any bread?   Barman: no
Duck: got any bread?  Barman: no...
Duck: got any bread? Barman: NO
Duck: got any bread?  Barman: NOOOOO!!!!!
Duck: got any bread?  Barman: If you ask that one more time,
                                                               I'm going to nail your bill to the counter.
Duck: got any nails?   Bartender: NO
Duck: got any bread?

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A bear went into a bar and ordered a beer. He gave the barman a £20 note and the barman went to the other end of the bar to put the money in the till. The second barman whispered to the first, "He's a bear, what does he know, shortchange him." The first barman brings the bear £10 in change. A little while later the barman starts talking to the bear and mentions, "We don't get many bears in this bar." The bear replies, "I'm not surprised, at £10 a beer I sure won't be back  again....